Team Owen!

I have been struggling to write this post for a while now. I was in such shock that I could not put my thoughts together but now I am as close to "grasping this" as I will ever be….deep breath… 

Last July, we found out we were pregnant! Later in the summer, we found out that Dusty's cousin, Joseph, and his wife, Allison, were also pregnant! Let's face it, there are few people who care to talk about your baby as much as you do. Your parents and your doctor (and that is because he or she is paid to do so) are really the only ones that care beyond the usual "how far along" "how are you feeling" and "do you know the gender/name". I was thrilled to have a prego buddy! 

Here we are with our boys December 2012

Fast forward through laboring and delivering and figuring out how in the world to be a parent the last 9-10 months. 

Here are the boys giving kisses December 2013

Then came January 12, 2014. We got a call from Dusty's mom that Joseph and Allison were taking Owen to the hospital. We sat around and worried until we got the next phone call that said Leukemia. I literally got sick to my stomach. Both Dusty and I just lost it. We cried for them, not truly even knowing what they would face. We held Gunner all day, like it would ward off the scariest truth that was happening for Joseph and Allison. Every time the phone would ring, we would break down again. This was our Sunday, praying for Owen and his parents, and the doctors and nurses. And honestly, praying for Gunner because it was just too close for comfort. 

Three days later, we went to Cooks Children's Hospital with Dusty's brother and his wife, and sister and her husband. We got to the hospital and went up to the PICU. (Even now, my stomach hurts just thinking about this…) We went back and saw Owen hooked up. He had had seizures the night before so he was sedated. He just looked so tiny in that hospital bed. We looked through the glass at a different world. It hurt my heart. 

I had given myself a pep talk the entire two hour ride to the hospital. I was going to be a rock for Allison. She barely started walking towards me and I lost it. I ugly cried on the shoulder of a mom who had been fighting cancer with her 8 month old child. Seriously?! She graciously cried with me and said, "We are ok." Simple as that. Take that cancer. 

Since that day, I have felt so many things. I have felt heartbroken that they are having to endure this time. I have felt scared that I do not know enough about being a parent to actually be a parent. I have felt frustrated that obstacles keep being thrown at Owen. I have felt guilty that my baby is healthy and so many children are not. I have felt ridiculous for being mad about tiny details of silly things. I have felt. Hallelujah! 

Now instead of rushing through Gunner's night time bottle, I have held him just a little longer and traced his features.

Now instead of getting frustrated when he wakes up during the night, I have gone in to cuddle him because it means he is healthy and in his bed, instead of a hospital. 

Now instead of losing patience with my house, the dishes, the laundry, I set them aside and worry about it later because I am not guaranteed my tomorrow. 

Being a mother has brought me such great joy but I find myself in a checklist mentality. What a dangerous thing. Just doing the motions and as quickly as possible. It is a slap in the face to the families who are in the hospital, just thrilled for a good day or even good hour. My daily challenge is to be loving and encouraging every minute. Not just to my husband and son but to everyone. I want to find appreciation of the day through others. Take that cancer.