My Husband: The Turtle Kidnapper

My husband brings home animals like it is his job. He has brought home two dogs (one tiny and one deaf), a cat, a kitten, and a turtle in our nearly four years of marriage. The two dogs and one cat were sent packing pretty quickly. I just couldn't deal with another pet to take care of (even though he would clean the litter box). Then he found a litter of kittens at the store. They were teeny tiny. Still had their umbilical cord. He selects his favorite and bring it home. The next morning, the siblings are gone because the momma came back for them. The kitten then dies a week into our care. Ugh. Any of these ummm.. incidents should have been lessons but nooooooooo….. 

Last night Dusty came home late after work. (Lots of rain means lots of fertilizer.) He walked in and announces to Gunner and I that he picked up a turtle. I immediately rolled by eyes. Why in the world would he pick up a turtle?! We all walk outside to see the turtle in the back of my truck. Yes, my truck because I had switched him to get Gunner's car seat. Remember this fact for later. It was a large turtle, according to my board book knowledge of them. Probably 15 inches long in the shell. Is that a measurement term.. ? I am not sure the type of turtle. If there is an endangered Texas turtle, it was DEFINITELY NOT that kind. We finished looking at him (long enough for Dusty to feel my excitement) and I headed back inside. Dusty thinks he put the tailgate up. His excitement from turtle hunting might be clouding his memory.

This morning, I was running around, trying to finish last minute tasks before I left for the day. I dropped off my paycheck at the bank and stopped to get gas. Looked for a credit card for 10 minutes while my gas is pumping. Turns out my husband stole that as well.  A trend, no? Anyways, I filled up with gas and started to work. I called to tell my dear husband what he needed to take in to BonBon. He then reminded me I still had a turtle in the back of my truck. I might have actually said I hate you or this is why we do not take home animals or both. I cannot remember. He tells me that I needed to drop it off at a creek on my way to work. (I commute 40 miles one way and with the rain I can actually see creeks!) Oh and to make sure and use gloves or something because it smelled terrible. Seriously?! I was running late because of the credit card incident and now I had to release an animal back to the wild. I stopped at the next creek and found a pair of glove on the passenger side. I attempted to pump myself for the transfer and walked around to the back of my truck. I let down my tailgate to find.. no turtle. Perfect. And THEN a car drives by while I standing by my truck by a deep ditch with dark gloves on.  Luckily, my black ski mask did not match my outfit today. I'm sure they got my license plate just in case I was waiting to dump a body. I put up my tailgate and returned to the cab and called Dusty. No turtle. Apparently, I had not looked hard enough because how could a turtle get out?? 

I FINALLY arrived at work with a few minutes to spare. I clocked in and started my morning list. After a few hours, I went to look through the bed of my pickup. Dusty mentioned I would need to water said turtle and give him some lettuce so he could survive the day. I did not want to actually crawl into the bed. It was filthy and I chose khaki that morning. I planned to ask one of my male coworkers to do this for me. And then email another coworker who shares the take any breathing thing home trait with my husband to adopt our turtle to her country home. I stood on my running boards and picked up the camping chairs at the front of the bed. And that is when I saw two butcher knives from a knife set I was supposed to give Dusty from my mom at some point. Oh an empty beer case and a dirty diaper were also there to keep things klassy. (I would like to point out that none of these objects are actually mine.. ) At that point I decided to not ask my coworkers anything. I did not need anyone doing interviews when the police got the call from the passing car. And so at 11:00 AM, the turtle was officially 14 hours missing. 

I came home and switched my truck with my mother in law's car to take back to her. I told Dusty to check for the turtle before he came home from work. No turtle. Gunner and I walked around our block looking for this turtle. I honestly do not know what rate a turtle moves but I guestimated. For something that is known to be slow and as far as I know cannot jump or climb, we are at a loss of his (or her?) whereabouts. Dusty thinks a large animal got it. Cross Plains does have a cat problem but this turtle would have been heavy. I will have to ask stinky hands Dusty who carried him to the truck last night exactly how heavy. What is the cold case rule? I'm pretty sure we are there.

And so another animal (who was not even supposed to be a pet) did not make at the Dickson household. I do not know how we have managed the dogs we have. I am going to try to get a Lifetime Movie deal out of it. I'm pretty sure I want DJ from Full House to play me. If you see a large turtle that looks kinda like this one, take him to a creek. Do not even pass our house! 

texasturtles.com